Nadir
This post is going to be really long. For the most part I'll just write what comes into my mind. I don't expect anybody to read all of it. I may have said these things before to some people so please excuse me if I am repeating myself.
Someone once said that eyes are the windows to the soul. What if the windows are foggy? What if the pane is tinted, really thick or warped? I find people's personalities are shown through their eyes. When I look at a person's eyes I ashamedly judge what kind of person they are, but am usually right. Some eyes are shallow and opaque as if the person is superficial, holding their feelings in and not letting other people share their feelings. Other eyes are deep and
crystalline; those people, I find, are prone to strong friendships, good at keeping secrets and are emotionally perceptive.
I haven't given as much as I normally have in the past. I don't know why that is, but I'm noticing it. I don't receive as much, and it is quite saddening. Maybe I am afraid of loss and prefer to remain slightly detatched. Recently, I've been finding that no way to live. : Change is so hard in high school. To change from a sort of detatched attitude to a friendly attitude is difficult when the high school atmosphere demands conformity. No, I don't mean I want
to be more like another person. I just wish people didn't have expectations of others to be satisfied with how they are to behave socially. Mreh. So I guess that is one of my goals for this semester: give more.
In addition to that, it should be noted that giving has its limits which are determined by the giver, not the recipient. Your true friends never "owe you" and you never "owe them" no matter what they say. Giving unconditionally is an exceptionally admirable trait, and, strangely enough, it is often reciprocated so you need not worry about giving and not receiving. By the way, I'm not talking about material goods here. More people should do random acts
of kindness. A simple "hi" and smile in the hall way means everything to someone who is having a bad day. And how would you know if they are having a bad day? You wouldn't, so just do it anyways.
Everyone craves attention. Actually, that is a broad statement and I cannot verify it, but most people like attention. It is all a matter of who seeks it and who allows it to come to them deservingly. People who unnecessarily seek attention irk me, for they are quite ignorant to the fact that they are detracting from someone else's attention. I dislike the fact that there are people in this world that I am annoyed with, but it happens. I also dislike pride as a characteristic. Seeing pride in action makes me shake my head. Persistence without compromise annoys me beyond belief. I hate when people tell me what I have to do, esp. if it is time consuming and I in fact don't have to do it. Friends do not have a license to tell each other what to do. I find that once a large tension builds up between two acquaintances, they can never go back to being on normal terms.
Since that last paragraph was dedicated to what I dislike, this one shall deal with what I do like. I like when people take initiative in being kind. It is very hard to be nice to somebody who is in a bad mood, but persisting even through turmoil is the nicest thing you can do for someone. Random acts of kindness and hugs are underrated. I like people who don't say "what?" A good silence is quite appreciated at various times of the day. By grade 12, people should be able to control their emotions. No I don't mean you can't show what you're feeling, but you need to know that anger or stress about something can't be taken out on your friends.
Our society sucks so incredibly much. There is so much emphasis on the stupid things in life. Why doesn't the all wise government legalize alcohol, marijuana and cigarettes for young people? Then people wouldn't do it just so they'd feel like their cheating the system. The system should actually be half good. I mean, honestly, why go through SO MUCH trouble just to stop a kid from getting alcohol that he'll acquire somehow anyways. There should be a respect class in elementary school and maybe in high school. Kids are growing up with no respect because they are prevented by anti-bullying laws. Older kids used to put them in line and when they graduate, they have respect for people older than them. This is off topic.
The seven deadly sins are punished by life itself. They aren't listed because in the next life you'll be punished; by solely commiting one of them, you are royally going to screw yourself over sometime down the road. For example, pride defeated the King of Troy. He accepted a gift, because he thought he was awesome and beat the Greeks. Gluttony will make you fat. Wrath will take you to jail if you act upon it. Pride is the worst. Everyone will be humbled. I appreciate being humbled daily. Usually seeing other cocky people makes me realise how despicable a trait it is. Nobody will ever be the best at anything.
What does one do when they find themselves becoming distant from their friends? I find I'm feeling further from the friends I want to spend time with and just staying as close to friends I don't want to spend time with. I'm relating less and less to people I see everyday and our messed up social structure has me spend time with them quite often. A friend is somebody who you can have a good time around, share similar interests and talk about anything with. Social
lives give me stress. I don't get stressed about piano, english, math, science, etc. but dealing with other unpredictable people give me stress.
I see other sides of people that I didn't see before and discover that I don't like that person. Usually it is because they hid that "other side" from people. How can people live being ashamed with themselves? Usually people are quite nice at heart and if they just be themselves then they make many friends and relate to each other; however, if you hide part of yourself, then only half of your personality bonds with your friend and you feel sort of incomplete. I don't know if this is what's been happening to me for the last while. Whatever it is, I feel very melancholy, depressed, not happy, malcontent, whatever term you choose to use. I'm hoping this post will bring me closer to fixing that.
There are people in my life that I don't relate to. I can honestly say I have no idea what the heck is going through their mind or why they'd make a certain decision. Friends should not get offended when you spend time with different people from them. Friends don't own each other. Friends are supposed to have a relaxed relationship in which they can exchange ideas, hang out with others and date people. Dating, if anything, is supposed to be the stressful part. There is a person with whom I have a damaged relationship and I don't believe our friendship shall ever be repaired.
Why are kids not taught social skills by their parents? By the time people get to grade 11 or 12 they should know how to carry on normal conversations w/o annoying their fellow interlocuter. There are certain rules to follow between guys that should be common sense. Distances should be kept, just out of common courtesy. It isn't because you don't like the other person, it is just a nice polite thing to do. We live in the second largest country on Earth so SPREAD OUT.
Groups of friends are overrated. Man, this post is turning out to be mainly about friends. One needs a balance of group friend time and one on one time. Nothing beats the entire attention of another individual. Unfortunately, there are vew people who can offer that. I try to whenever possible. Distractions can be blocked out, but the average person choses not to and might as well just ignore the person who is talking to them. Groups of friends talk about the most inconsequential things possible. Two individuals can have intelligent, meaningful, emotional conversations of sorts, but as soon as a third person is added, the conversation digresses to culture and gossip. I lack the important conversations.
Refering to the eyes, I find that the aforementioned depthless eyes are present in those who have difficulty carrying on a meaningful conversation and giving undivided attention. Some people would say that judging people on their eyes is shallow because they cannot help what their eyes look like. I beg to differ. Eyes are perceived in so many ways by different people. I believe the appearance of your eyes is affected by the kind of person you are.
I don't even know what I am anymore. I hate it. It is like that Robert Munsch book where she colours all over herself to change what she looks like and then at the end just wants to go back to herself. High school has so many stupid influences and you see so much stuff that you like and try to emulate it and it turns into a jumble of crap. I always think I'll find the answer at university, but I think I'll find it just in myself. Actually, I think I must find the answer before going to university or it won't be any different from high school.
What to do ... what to do ... what to do
I don't believe I'll be content in high school. :( I wrote my entire English creative essay on how to be content in life so one would think that I could become so myself. 1000-600-200-50-50-50-49-1 f*** it. totally lame. I changed from last year and it is incredibly retarded. I was happy and motivated somehow last year. What motivates me this year :S ? I don't even know, yet I achieve something at school. I think it is just the feeling that comes from achieving that motivates me. Or the avoidance of the horrible feeling of failure.
Hypocrisy is what I'm guilty of. Envy. why? I'm guilty of other people's skills, because I know I can never learn all of them. I should work harder and have nothing to be envious of. My thoughts are totally degrading at this hour. I had an incredibly sad thought earlier today. Some people thought that I was mad and were going to leave. I have a friend who understands the value in hugs and every one she gave just made my day. I realised that I hadn't seen her in maybe a month and before that it was another month. I just thought how I used to see her every week and give her a hug, but now I almost never see her, probably mainly due to me. depressing.
I am much to withdrawn. I hate it absolutely. I think I'm afraid of being hurt, but it is ridiculous. Refer to required listening material "Radio Friendly Unit Shifter" by Nirvana if you want to know how I feel. A shell. Where is my mind? no more academic distractions. will deal with the task at hand. fix the immediate problem. bipolar opposites attract. I've loved, that counts for something. I abhor material goods. people think they fix stuff that they don't. You cannot buy someone something to make up for hurting them. A million dollars cannot substitute for love. high school is depressing. people don't even know who they are, but pretend to be everyone. I don't understand it and everyone gets hurt.
send me away. I'm not spoiled, what a stupid word. actually good word, bad definition. spoiled is a state of mind, not a physical state. I've met poor spoiled kids. summer will be fun. prom might be fun. just as much stupidity leads up to it as did last year. don't worry, my next blog post will be much less cynical. I think I feel the worst I could possibly feel while keeping a high self-esteem. your scent is still here in my place of recovery. good job, you finished it. I hope that gets some stuff off of my chest. it's late so the end is kind of messed up.